So if I couldn't measure up to the religious yardstick then I would live so that I was a "success" in the world's eyes.
- education
- career
- income $$$
- home
- car
- material things
- expensive clothes
But I also had secret things to help me feel like a success:
- physical relationships with no emotional binds
- the finest wines - to relax me after a hard work day but 1.5 bottles a night = numbing
Before I knew it I was in my 40's, no relationship/marriage except my failed one from my early 20's, no children (from my well laid plans in my 20's but a hysterectomy in my 40's), a job that I dreaded - such an effort to stay on the ladder of success, and a shhhhh - drinking problem. I had distanced myself from my family by about 3000 miles so they wouldn't see and judge my life. My father passed away when I was 26 and I never was able to deal with his death - I didn't want to face my own mortality - what was going to happen to me when I died? So here I was - it wasn't feeling very successful.. All my plans - I thought I had it all under control!
All this time, I believed God - that he existed but I didn't believe that he was only this God who judged and shook his finger and head at me with disgust. My viewpoint was that he knew me, that I wasn't really a bad person and that I wasn't hurting anyone else. That he understood me.
I was at the end of my own rope - I had manipulated and controlled my life to this point and frankly it was too hard. I was so tired and alone and I didn't want to keep going on this way. I would come home from work and just sit on the floor of my living room and cry - asking myself if this was all there was.
Here's where grace and mercy come in - God did know me and he did understand me. He saw I was heading to my grave - my life a mess and on the road to destruction. He knew I needed help and heard my crying out.
A series of events occurred where people suddenly were in my life that knew God - I mean really knew Him and they invited me to places where before I would have not set foot and would have been indignant to go but in my helpless state followed those people because I felt in my spirit and soul that this was right. I had a hunger to know what was in the Bible - a hunger I believe was placed there by God. I read in the Bible one Sunday while at home in my living room that Jesus came to seek and save the lost. I knew at that moment that I was one of the lost and that is why Jesus came and died - to save! I went to tears because I suddenly had hope! I was also very humbled that God would still want me after all I had done - done against him. I needed a savior and God had already sent his only Son Jesus Christ for that very purpose. I accepted the gift of salvation and redemption with a very humble heart.
God led me to a Bible based non-denominational church which I joined and became an avid disciple and follower of Jesus Christ. I am not perfect but I have a heart that wants to be trained and to grow closer in love with God and Jesus and to stir the Holy Spirit in me to overcome my issues and be equipped to fight the battle that wages against us.
God has transformed my life and has given me eyes to see this world for what it is and what it is not. He's given me a heart to love people and to see them through his eyes and his compassion. I also have been given discernment about spiritual battles and my desire is to help others through issues in their lives - where they come to know God and Jesus. Whey they grow in their faith, belief, trust and love God more and with His help overcome areas in their lives where satan has them a prisoner.
I love the way Paul expressed to Timothy God's grace in his life (1 Tim 1:12-17) - I feel the same grace:
"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.
Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen. "
My story - my testimony of what Jesus Christ my Savior has done in my life - is one of grace - victory - freedom! It is a story that you too can one day tell.
Do you need a savior?
