Following My Passion - Through Refinement

It has been well over a year since I opened this blog and wrote my first entry. So I will start with today - where I am in my walk with my Lord Jesus.

I have left the corporate life and am now pursuing my passion of crafting for others so they are left with a product that speaks their heart to their loved ones (www.MarysMemorables.com).

I made this decision knowing that it would be an uphill climb and would require more faith and trust in God than ever before. For so many years of my life the jobs, career and subsequent $$ came rather easily. Too easily so that I became deceived into believing that it all came because of my intelligence and hard work! What a fool I was and still am yet in some respects.

I have purposely asked God to refine me while venturing on this self-employment journey. Now I am battling fears and pray for answers to the question if I am being too tight-fisted regarding giving to others. I have been much more prudent in my spending on myself but have I gone too far in the other direction?

My life scripture this year is Matthew 6:33 - "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." All these things are the things we all need - food, clothing, housing, etc. God knows what I need to live on this earth but I need to come to know Him and fully trust Him - that what He says is 100% truth - listening to no other lies. I believe that God has given me a spiritual gift of faith - a consistent enabling faith that truly believes God in the face of overwhelming obstacles and human impossibilities, and for greater things. As God is teaching me that HE is my provider in all things I am also being convicted that I do not pray urgently and consistently therefore not using my gift of faith as I should. I believe this is part of my refinement and how I need to seek first His kingdom...

The sermon today was on idols and casting them away in our lives. I can be given over to fearing I don't have enough money which can consume me into a state of worry than of faith and action. It will also immobilize me from giving out of my heart. I had hope today when I heard God say to me (not audibly but in my spirit) to pray for others instead of worrying about myself. I know that He instructed me last year to pray for the souls of those He planned to bring into my path and not for my sales. I confess that I have missed that mark and ask His forgiveness and ask God to be my guide - His Word a lamp unto my feet.

So in short - discipline - daily reading of God's Word so I am battle-ready and also a deep belief that daily prayer is crucial - a matter of life and death....Pray for me that I am disciplined and refined to do the good works that God planned for me to do for HIS glory alone....

What Compels Me

I was raised in a very rural farming area and was baptized Catholic. I diligently attended Catholic school for 10 years. I learned about God and His commandments and about Jesus who came and died for our sins. I admit that I was a child who challenged authority and was stubborn - looking for attention even if it was bad attention say punishment. That was okay with me - I'd show them that even punishment didn't phase me. I never seemed to measure up to the expectations of the "religious" folks in my community so I chose to live life my way. I made mistakes and bore the "shame". Blacklisted from God for being such a huge disappointment to God - so I was judged and sentenced. Apparently my sins were much worse than those in the congregation who could still attend church and receive the sacraments. Was I bitter? You bet!

So if I couldn't measure up to the religious yardstick then I would live so that I was a "success" in the world's eyes.

• education
• career
• income $$$
• home
• car
• material things
• expensive clothes

But I also had secret things to help me feel like a success:

• physical relationships with no emotional binds
• the finest wines - to relax me after a hard work day but 1.5 bottles a night = numbing

Before I knew it I was in my 40's, no relationship/marriage except my failed one from my early 20's, no children (from my well laid plans in my 20's but a hysterectomy in my 40's), a job that I dreaded - such an effort to stay on the ladder of success, and a shhhhh - drinking problem. I had distanced myself from my family by about 3000 miles so they wouldn't see and judge my life. My father passed away when I was 26 and I never was able to deal with his death - I didn't want to face my own mortality - what was going to happen to me when I died? So here I was - it wasn't feeling very successful.. All my plans - I thought I had it all under control!

All this time, I believed God - that he existed but I didn't believe that he was only this God who judged and shook his finger and head at me with disgust. My viewpoint was that he knew me, that I wasn't really a bad person and that I wasn't hurting anyone else. That he understood me.

I was at the end of my own rope - I had manipulated and controlled my life to this point and frankly it was too hard. I was so tired and alone and I didn't want to keep going on this way. I would come home from work and just sit on the floor of my living room and cry - asking myself if this was all there was.

Here's where grace and mercy come in - God did know me and he did understand me. He saw I was heading to my grave - my life a mess and on the road to destruction. He knew I needed help and heard my crying out.

A series of events occurred where people suddenly were in my life that knew God - I mean really knew Him and they invited me to places where before I would have not set foot and would have been indignant to go but in my helpless state followed those people because I felt in my spirit and soul that this was right. I had a hunger to know what was in the Bible - a hunger I believe was placed there by God. I read in the Bible one Sunday while at home in my living room that Jesus came to seek and save the lost. I knew at that moment that I was one of the lost and that is why Jesus came and died - to save! I went to tears because I suddenly had hope! I was also very humbled that God would still want me after all I had done - done against him. I needed a savior and God had already sent his only Son Jesus Christ for that very purpose. I accepted the gift of salvation and redemption with a very humble heart.

God led me to a Bible based non-denominational church which I joined and became an avid disciple and follower of Jesus Christ. I am not perfect but I have a heart that wants to be trained and to grow closer in love with God and Jesus and to stir the Holy Spirit in me to overcome my issues and be equipped to fight the battle that wages against us.

God has transformed my life and has given me eyes to see this world for what it is and what it is not. He's given me a heart to love people and to see them through his eyes and his compassion. I also have been given discernment about spiritual battles and my desire is to help others through issues in their lives - where they come to know God and Jesus. Whey they grow in their faith, belief, trust and love God more and with His help overcome areas in their lives where satan has them a prisoner.

I love the way Paul expressed to Timothy God's grace in his life (1 Tim 1:12-17) - I feel the same grace:

"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.
Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen. "

My story - my testimony of what Jesus Christ my Savior has done in my life - is one of grace - victory - freedom! It is a story that you too can one day tell.

Do you need a savior?